February 5th

One of the things A’s pregnancy has imposed on us is the need to find a bigger place to live in. A move from the unit we live in now – which I’ve been renting since the early '90s – was probably inevitable at some point, if only because modern society emphasizes the importance and relative security of owning one’s own home rather than ‘throwing your money down the drain’ through renting. I’ve argued with A the advantages of renting, but I was resigned to moving out of this place at some point.

My reluctance largely stems from the fact that this unit, for which the rent is very reasonable, is in such a great location – a quiet street, a five minute walk to the closest tram and train stops (and equally close to restaurants and convenience stores), a ten minute drive to my work (or a 20 minute ride along the nearby bike path), etc. Where could we hope to find an affordable place as well-situated? Certainly our preliminary house-hunting has not been very hopeful – each place that seems within our price range (according to the advertising) ends up spiraling way beyond it, and we’re having to consider options further and further from the city (and my work). Of course, people had warned us how expensive inner suburban housing is, but somehow we figured, with the potential house deposit we have in the bank (largely from the sale of A’s own inner suburban flat), plus a bit of luck, we’d find what we were after.

Well, no such luck so far. And we don’t have many months left before it’s going to be too difficult to handle the rigors of moving house, and we’ll need to postpone it till some time after the baby’s born. That would mean converting our spare bedroom/study into the baby’s bedroom, which wouldn’t be easy. The spare bed would probably have to go (there’s little enough room as it is), and I’d need to find space for various boxes of books, comics, etc, that are currently cluttering the floor (the damp garage might be our only option there).

The books and comics, by the way, are another reason I’m dreading a house move. I’ve accumulated such a large collection of these, filling numerous bookcases and cupboards, that I can’t imagine how long it would take to pack them and lug then to a new place. I keep thinking maybe I should try to sell some of them so I don’t have so many to move, but I find it so very hard to part with them. The first time we went to a flea market to get rid of various household items, I came home with pangs of regret for selling some of my ‘unwanted’ comics. They were cheap Australian reprints, of no real value, but my nostalgic longing to have them again couldn’t be denied….

Anyway, whether it’s the book-situation or the baby-situation, we’ll have to find a larger place eventually – even if we end up renting again. So, in the hope that we can resolve this situation sooner rather than later, it looks like most of our weekends for the time being will be focused on this issue….

February 1st

Last night A attended a two-hour early pregnancy course, covering such topics as pelvic floor exercises and the art of breast-feeding. Though she found most of it useful or interesting, she was a bit disturbed when the instructor revealed that she was still breast-feeding her 5 year old son! It seems to me that at the point that a child can politely ask for a breast to suckle from, he's probably too old for it....

January 31st

We were at my parents’ place for dinner yesterday, when my mother asked if I was getting more excited about A’s pregnancy. I couldn’t help replying, “Not really.” “Robert!” she exclaimed indignantly. “Well, I’ll say I’m excited if you want me to,” I said, but that obviously didn’t leave her very satisfied.

Later, my dad and I went to get a couple of pizzas for our dinner:

Dad: So are you excited about becoming a father?
Me: Haven’t I already answered this question?
Dad: That was your mother asking. Now I’m asking you.
Me: Well, I think it’s like when I go on holidays overseas – I’m never really excited about it until I’m actually on the plane. So maybe I won’t be excited till I actually go to the hospital.
Dad: Your mother’s afraid you might be thinking it’s a bad idea to have a child.
Me: No, I think I’ve adjusted to the idea of having a child. It’s just that, after spending so many years planning on not having children, I can’t change my mind to the extent that I’m now excited by it.
Dad: But I suppose if you were going to be meeting Spielberg tomorrow, you’d be excited by that?
Me: Yep, I’d probably be excited by that.

I told A this conversation in the car on the way home. She said my mother had revealed her concerns about me, and A had assured her that we’d talked about the issue of children at length, and that I’m in favour of having a child, but not necessarily looking forward to the early stages of babyhood (i.e. the won’t-eat-won’t-sleep-no-personality stages). In fact, both of us prefer children that are beyond that stage. A concluded by asking my mother not to tell others about my relative lack of excitement – because unless you specify to my mother what things she shouldn’t tell relatives and friends, chances are she’ll tell them…

Actually, A really isn’t much more excited than me, and not just because of the reason given above. It’s also because she feels it’s not good to get too excited about these sorts of things, in case you ‘jinx’ them. Although looking at the reactions of her parents to our news, she may have inherited an inability to be excited about things like this anyway…

January 30th

As expected, A has gone public this weekend with the news of her pregnancy, and we've been visiting, or ringing, friends and relatives to tell them the news. A initially asked me to be the one who announces it, because she was getting a little emotional when she brought it up, but now she's managing to do so without tearing up. Also, a number of people claim they'd suspected A might be pregnant - either they'd previously seen something in her face (that alleged 'glow' of a pregnant woman) or believed her recent weight gain had indicated she might be 'with child'.

In fact, A started putting on weight after our return from overseas at the end of July last year. She told me recently that it was largely the result of feeling depressed becuse she hadn't conceived yet, and her extra pounds became especially noticeable in November and December - much earlier than could be accounted for by her need to 'eat for two'.

In fact, A has always struggled with her weight, has attempted numerous diets, has bought a number of 'fat fighting' products she saw advertised on TV or the internet, and now feels her metabolism is 'fucked' because of all these different attempts to slim down. I think she's probably a little relieved that pregnancy gives her a legitimate reason to now look overweight (though finding suitable clothes is becoming problem). But after giving birth I think she'd like to try getting her weight under control again - and to be honest, at the risk of sounding shallow or insensitive, I kind of hope she does too.

January 28th

A had the results of her blood test today, which, combined with the results from her previous test, give her a 1 in 4330 chance of producing a child affected by Down’s syndrome, and a 1 in 28,000 chance of a particular rare genetic disorder mentioned by the doctor (A can’t remember the name of it). With those odds, the doctor thought it was not a good idea to also have an amniocentesis, where the odds of causing harm to the foetus are much higher. A and I agree, so that will be all the testing she’ll have for the time being, and we’ll just have to hope that we don’t have particularly bad luck.

Since the doctor has given us an assurance that nothing is likely to be wrong with our child, A says she’s now comfortable letting the rest of our family and friends know of her pregnancy. No doubt a lot of that will be occurring this weekend, but I hope (again) that my less than whole-hearted enthusiasm isn’t too obvious to one and all….

January 27th

A and I went to visit my brother, his wife, and their newborn daughter in hospital yesterday. I was urged to hold the baby, declined, but ended up being given it anyway. It looked pretty much like any newborn baby that I’ve seen. A and I got details about how long the mother was in labour, what my brother did to assist, etc – just for future reference….

I spoke to my mother that night:

Mum: So what did you think of the baby.
Me:Yeah, it was okay.
Mum: Okay?! Didn’t it make you feel like you wanted to be holding a baby of your own?
Me: Well…
Mum: Robert!
Me: Well, I’m sorry, but you want me to be honest with you.

As some consolation for my mother making me feel guilty, A said she was asked (when I gave the phone to her) if seeing the baby made her feel especially ‘clucky’. She said no, she rarely finds newborns appealing, and disappointed my mother for the second time that night.

However, my mother was quite pleased that my brother and his wife had given her name to their daughter (as a middle name). Apparently my brother had reasoned (according to my mother) that since I wasn’t planning to have children, and our sister is now incapable of raising a child, this was the only opportunity my parents would have for a grandchild named after one of them.

Well, now there may be another opportunity, but I’m not keen on giving a potential son my dad’s strange Dutch name….

January 25th

My brother rang as I was getting ready for work this morning, to announce that his wife, after twenty-something hours of labour, had given birth to a healthy baby girl. I rang A at lunchtime to announce the good news, but forgot to ask about the ultrasound she herself had had this morning (she left the house especially early for it). So she was a little miffed that my brother’s news sticks in my head, but I forget to enquire about news regarding our own child….

Anyway, the ultrasound showed a much clearer image of the foetus than the last time, and the specialist reported that it looked quite healthy – measurements seemed normal, etc. She said she’d put A in the ‘low risk’ category for anything being wrong with the foetus. A’s going to wait and see what the results of her blood test are this Thursday, and then make a final decision about getting an amniocentesis.